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Woody Johnson
"Alright rangers, it's time to bust ass!" Woodrow Waylon "Woody" Johnson (voiced by Tom Kenny) is the show's deuteragonist and the head ranger of Brickleberry Park, serving as the boss of the rest of the main cast, including the show's protagonist Steve. Woody is a fat, short-tempered, greedy corrupt head ranger. He mistreats his own employees on a daily basis, if not minutely basis. Woody is known for his misogyny and contemptible personality. Biography Long before his military career, Woody was a porn star known as "Rex Erection". After having a successful career, and picking up drugs, Woody's asset was now useless. Woody was then relegated to non-sexual roles. After a bit of depression, Woody joined the army. He was dishonorably discharged for selfishly throwing one of his own comrades on top of a grenade to take cover. Currently Woody is a recovering post-traumatic ranger, with a military background. He worked his way up to head ranger over his thirty-year career at Brickleberry. Woody also took Malloy under his wing after the bear's family "disappeared." He always has the park’s best financial interest in mind and has little care to neglect towards the physical essence of the park. These includes setting up electrical trees to avoid angry complaints by phone calls and starting a fire that will burn down the park then putting it out to earn a heroic reputation in "Race Off!". Woody is shown spoiling Malloy rotten and doing anything he can to please his selfish demands at the beginning of "Welcome to Brickleberry", the pilot episode. However, after this episode Woody and Malloy usually argue with each other especially since Malloy threatens to kill, take advantage of, and/or bankrupt Woody in most episodes. It was also shown in a flashback 3 years ago in "Woody's Girl" that when Malloy was a baby, he very loved Woody and expressed his love for him through his first words and letter blocks. Malloy's testosterone have caused him to become tired of Woody's attitude between those 3 years as according to "Saved By The Balls", where he was castrated under the expectation of a teeth cleaning. Malloy eventually gets revenge on Woody by having the doctor replace his testicles with Malloy's when Woody is in recovery from gunshot wounds. When it comes to Malloy, Woody is a pushover and tends to spoil him rotten and gift him with chocolate and guns. Woody defends that he needs Malloy as his "therapy pet", because without him his post traumatic stress disorder from his service in the military will return to haunt him and he will go insane. Woody also proudly proclaimed that one time when Malloy said a dirty word, Woody washed his mouth out with a bar of chocolate. Woody is also obsessed with getting richer such as exploiting taxpayer money, gambling or cutting down on Brickleberry's budget even though he is already rich. While Steve, Connie and Ethel are forced to live in, according to Ethel, "run down shacks", Woody and Malloy are in the richest 1%, and have a mansion all to themselves. Woody purposefully doesn't use any of that money to compensate his underpaid employees all so he can spend it frivolously on luxuries like cocaine, wine parties and gourmet food. It is revealed in "Obamascare" that he has been working at Brickleberry for 30 years with perfect attendance, and that he is severely allergic to crab cakes. For many many years, Woody kept lying that his mom Anita was dead, even though she was actually alive and Woody admitted he lied about her death since he didn't want anyone to contact her and reunite him with his mom. This backfired badly, since Anita heard about the rumors Woody spread that she was dead, and so this angered her and made her come looking for her son. In "That Brother's My Father" his mother shows up alive and well and marries Denzel. Just as Malloy put it, Anita mistreating Woody as a kid is the main reason why adult Woody is such a horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else. Appearance Woody is a big fat angry old man. He has short blonde hair styled into a combover and also a darker yellow big thick mustache. His uniform is made white instead of greyish green to distinguish him as the Head Ranger. Woody is also an obese man. As an 8-year old boy, he was already very overweight. Ethel proves in "Woody's Girl" that being the Head Ranger makes you stress eat donuts from all the responsibilities. One time Malloy tried to make fun of Woody but because he got his balls removed, Malloy claimed Woody is only as overweight as the average American man. Personality Woody is a proud worker at Brickleberry park and he loves his job and everything about it. He has a very low tolerance for mistakes and screw ups with his workers which is exploited with his workers' extreme chaos that they constantly cause which ends up in everything getting destroyed. Woody will constantly unleash a blast of extreme rage and loss of sanity along with a stream of unnecessary profanities when he does this which just makes everything a living hell for him. and Woody's gentle tone can sometimes be misunderstood for weakness, and behind the intimidating mustache is a man who truly does care for his friends and co-workers. Unfortunately, money can sway his morals left and right faster than a grandfather clock. Woody frequently mentions that he is a war criminal, as in the episodes Crippleberry and Race Off! Regardless that he isn't morally fit to be a soldier, he is very devoted to the war cause of the United States since he is a former war veteran (as mentioned in many episodes). A running gag in the series is Woody often uses the fake alias "Rick Swordfire", but this usually fails to trick other people. Some of Woody's "proudest" achievements include screwing his own daughter and later on going back in time to screw his own mother Anita. Religious and Political Views Woody is a right-wing conservative Christian. He often talks about Jesus and proves to be an Evangelical Protestant in "Miracle Lake". Out of religious extremism, Woody rejects the scientific consensus of global warming and believes the earth is literally only a little over 2000 years old. Woody is also a critic of animal rights and animal rights activists ("Squabbits"), environmental awareness ("Trailer Park" and "Global Warning"), Catholicism ("Woody's Girl"), liberals ("Squabbits" again) and President Barack Obama. Woody is a Republican. He endorsed John McCain-Sarah Palin in the 2008 election and believes Jesus made oil out of dinosaurs specifically for Republicans. In addition to Obama, Woody hates Al Gore because of Gore's activism in global warming and expressed that with giant letter-shaped lights on his lawn. In the comic book, it's revealed Woody is a gun rights advocate and subscribes to the NRA. Criminal Record * Illicit Use and Homicide by Firearms: '''Threatened to shoot Denzel for foul-mouthed language in "Two Weeks Notice", and later in the same episode he shot Steve by accident with a rifle. He also shot a country club applicant with a gun in "In Da Club" to avoid competition for membership so that he can taste the club's special sandwich. * '''Arson: '''He intentionally started a wildfire by ordering Denzel to create it in "Race Off!", and therefore Kirk Sanders was determined to find out the culprit (which was Woody). Ethel and Malloy knew it was obvious Woody's the culprit, although they don't rat him out since Woody's their boss and they rely on him for income (Ethel) or food and shelter (Malloy). He later starts a second forrest fire trying to drop Sanders' body. * '''Violation of Labor Laws (multiple counts): '''Refuses health insurance and minimum wage to his employees in "Hello Dottie". He also cut Steve's salary by 50%. However, it is presumed Woody restored his employees to minimum wage and health benefits because he desperately agreed to hire back everyone after Malloy psychologically corrupted their Indian visa-worker replacements. ** '''Employee Racial Bias: He does this a lot to Denzel. ** Employee Sexual Harassment: He does this a lot to Ethel. * Scamming: '''He lied about giving a refund to a customer back on his credit card for a $10 camping fee. * '''Illicit Drugs (multiple counts): '''He did marijuana in "Saved by the Balls", cocaine in "The Comeback", does it again in "Old Wounds" by making a snowman out of cocaine called Frosty the Blowman and mentions doing cocaine at Kinko's in "Campin Ain't Easy". He also did many bad drugs with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes". * '''Slander: '''Made a sex tape video of Denzel screwing Governor Melcher in "My Way or the Highway". * '''Electrocution (2): '''He dropped a plugged-in toaster into a bathtub that had someone still taking a bath in it in "In Da Club". Also, when Steve gained the power to see into the future by getting shocked in "Global Warning", Woody tied him to an electric shock torture device and forced him to answer more and more questions. * '''Bank Robbery: '''He helped Denzel commit armed robbery on a bank in "That Brother's My Father". * '''Child Abuse (multiple counts): '''Headlocked a young Filipino girl in "Write Em' Cowboy". Her parents didn't seem to care about this and took amusement in it. Also in "That Brother's My Father" he beat up kids just to win a race while Denzel beat up those kids' dads with a bicycle chain. The two became a headline on a widespread newspaper and possibly faced jail time for this. * '''Dishonorable Military Conduct: '''During the time he served in the army division Red Skulls, he threw his own private Jack Abowski on top of a grenade in order to save himself as shown in "Old Wounds". * '''Slavery: '''He used Oompah-Loompahs as his personal slaves, locking them up in his basement as shown in "Old Wounds". They all died when they succumbed to starvation and cannibalism since Woody forgot to feed them. * '''DUI: '''After getting drunk, Woody drove his car into a river. He later drove to court drunk in "Baby Daddy". This got him forced to do community service. * '''Dumping Hazardous Material: '''Forced Connie and Denzel to dump barrels of radioactive waste into Brickleberry's lake in "Steve the Fearless Pilot". This caused a giant man-eating sea monkey to arise. * '''Assaulting Law Enforcement: '''He slapped a police officer in the face in "High Stakes". * '''Stealing a Fire Truck: '''He does this while having fun with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes". However, he couldn't be prosecuted because Ford was the mayor. * '''Graft: He accepted Steve's mom having sex with him in order to make Steve the Ranger of the Month every month in "Amber Alert", which counts as accepting bribery and prostitution. * Hitman: He offered hitman services in "Amber Alert". * Embezzlement: '''He exploited $3,200,000 worth of taxpayer money to make a Brickleberry commercial in "Amber Alert". Because the commercial ran only approximately 32 seconds, Woody spent about $100,000 per second on the commercial! * '''Revenge porn: '''He put a clip of Ethel naked right into his Brickleberry hiring commercial to find new employees in "Amber Alert", without even thinking to ask Ethel for permission. * '''Poisoning Children: '''He watched and let (if not ''encouraged'') children to swim in a lake infested with leeches by using a black marker to alter the danger sign saying "No Swimming No Fishing" to "'''Go Swimming Go Fishing", in "Campin' Ain't Easy". * Sexual Assault: '''Woody claims that in the past he went to jail for letting his sentient and extremely long penis sexually violate a girl in "Campin' Ain't Easy". * '''Violation of 'Air Pollution Laws: '''He started a company called Woody Johnson Inc, in the series finale "Global Warning" to deliberately create more global warming. He, and the rest of human race, ultimately paid the price for his idiotic carbon footprint. Quotes of "Wisdom" * [''addressing Ethel for complaining Woody shouldn't just kill the Squabbits] Spoken like a couple of dopey liberal broads! I don't what bleeds more, your hearts or your parts! * Like my daddy always said, if you wanna kill somebody, you gotta do it yourself. * I'm better than you and you and you! You're fat, you're black, you're dumb and your head looks like a thumb! Woody Johnson, everybody! Category:Characters Category:Males Category:Park Rangers Category:Rapists Category:Main Characters Category:Antagonists Category:Overweight Characters Category:Tom Kenny Category:Whites Category:Murderers Category:Perverts Category:Hero Category:Bigots Category:Religious Figures